A ridged forehead,
Coffee stained teeth,
Tobacco scented breath and a curved spine,
Stuck for the words to explore my mind,
Just scrawling and hoping something will align,
Waiting for the spark to drive my mood,
My story
My tale
But that's no good,
Who am I but a scared little girl?
Lost the fight to the world,
No will
No strength
No energy to argue,
Apathy and compliance is all I know,
What happened?
Where did I go?
Lost the fight to the world,
No will
No strength
No energy to argue,
Apathy and compliance is all I know,
What happened?
Where did I go?
There was once
A time
When I
Was a force to be recognised,
A storm of destruction
On the path of those who did me wrong,
A crusader for those too weak to stand strong,
When I was good I was very very good
But when I was bad I was a cunt,
A rigid and unyielding sense of justice,
The confidence of youth,
Friends few and far between,
Finding solace in my mind,
My imagination the playground of my heart and soul,
My world
Where I came alive,
A time
When I
Was a force to be recognised,
A storm of destruction
On the path of those who did me wrong,
A crusader for those too weak to stand strong,
When I was good I was very very good
But when I was bad I was a cunt,
A rigid and unyielding sense of justice,
The confidence of youth,
Friends few and far between,
Finding solace in my mind,
My imagination the playground of my heart and soul,
My world
Where I came alive,
But time drags you along
Even with heals dug to the ground,
And the imaginary games must die down,
Left behind with tender youth
Disregarded to the trash
Along with my gargantuan barbie doll stash,
My greatest lament of all - the passage of time,
Even with heals dug to the ground,
And the imaginary games must die down,
Left behind with tender youth
Disregarded to the trash
Along with my gargantuan barbie doll stash,
My greatest lament of all - the passage of time,
Grow up now
Be like the rest
Put away the toys
Fancy all the boys
Plaster your face
Worry about your waist
You have to care
About bleaching your hair,
Be like the rest
Put away the toys
Fancy all the boys
Plaster your face
Worry about your waist
You have to care
About bleaching your hair,
A refusal to conform,
A choice to stand alone
Against the pressure of my peers
My punishment ebbed for years
And many years to come,
A maddening pattern
Of isolation
And rejection,
Lonesome
Loathsome,
Opinions quietened,
Passion for justice subsided,
The drip of apathy seeped through my back,
My only escape,
My English class,
Where once again my imagination enveloped my being
Nurturing my landscapes
Birthing my people
Breaking free of the passing of time
Lost entirely in those worlds of mine,
A choice to stand alone
Against the pressure of my peers
My punishment ebbed for years
And many years to come,
A maddening pattern
Of isolation
And rejection,
Lonesome
Loathsome,
Opinions quietened,
Passion for justice subsided,
The drip of apathy seeped through my back,
My only escape,
My English class,
Where once again my imagination enveloped my being
Nurturing my landscapes
Birthing my people
Breaking free of the passing of time
Lost entirely in those worlds of mine,
Confidence gone,
No love for the self,
Tricked into loving another,
A youthful heart can know no better,
Tortured
Abused
Ridiculed
And used,
All for your sick pleasure ,
You found me at my most impressionable
And set the distorted mold,
Crafted me to your twisted perfection
Before pounding me down
To the squishy mound
Within your iron hold,
Nothing but games
Tricks
Or threats,
I was too clouded to see
That your need for me
Was far greater than mine
For you
Could ever be,
The distance probably saved my life,
No love for the self,
Tricked into loving another,
A youthful heart can know no better,
Tortured
Abused
Ridiculed
And used,
All for your sick pleasure ,
You found me at my most impressionable
And set the distorted mold,
Crafted me to your twisted perfection
Before pounding me down
To the squishy mound
Within your iron hold,
Nothing but games
Tricks
Or threats,
I was too clouded to see
That your need for me
Was far greater than mine
For you
Could ever be,
The distance probably saved my life,
Freed of your grasp
And ever looming knife,
I lived on,
Grew strong,
Appreciation of the heart
Body
Soul
And mind,
A lesson to never will them up as eagerly again,
My voice boomed a little more
But my nerve could not match,
My hardened exterior only a front
It even fooled me
Right from the start,
I absorbed all of life's problems
Like a sodden sponge
Allowing it to seep through
Embedding as concealed anxiety,
Only a few quick slices to my flesh
Could lessen the pressure,
Self harm they call it,
It was a necessity,
Not a cry for help
But a private incision,
A precise focus on the pain
The tears would diminish
And control the tension,
And ever looming knife,
I lived on,
Grew strong,
Appreciation of the heart
Body
Soul
And mind,
A lesson to never will them up as eagerly again,
My voice boomed a little more
But my nerve could not match,
My hardened exterior only a front
It even fooled me
Right from the start,
I absorbed all of life's problems
Like a sodden sponge
Allowing it to seep through
Embedding as concealed anxiety,
Only a few quick slices to my flesh
Could lessen the pressure,
Self harm they call it,
It was a necessity,
Not a cry for help
But a private incision,
A precise focus on the pain
The tears would diminish
And control the tension,
All the while
Youth slips further away
Partnered with confidence and belief,
Nagging sense of disdain
Incessant hum of anxieties
Never to cease,
A man's world
Dog eat dog
Sink or swim,
No regard
No glory
No place
For the story
Of the little lady
The famished runt
The drowning poet,
Beaten and battered
Doubted and disregarded,
I gave up
I quit,
Nothing else mattered,
Youth slips further away
Partnered with confidence and belief,
Nagging sense of disdain
Incessant hum of anxieties
Never to cease,
A man's world
Dog eat dog
Sink or swim,
No regard
No glory
No place
For the story
Of the little lady
The famished runt
The drowning poet,
Beaten and battered
Doubted and disregarded,
I gave up
I quit,
Nothing else mattered,
I locked my journal away
My notebooks
My paints
My pens too,
Accepting the chill of life
Until I could feel no more,
Consumed by numbness
Overcome with apathy,
Just as the drone or the soldier ant
I fell in line,
My purpose for pittance,
To serve
To please
To smile,
My notebooks
My paints
My pens too,
Accepting the chill of life
Until I could feel no more,
Consumed by numbness
Overcome with apathy,
Just as the drone or the soldier ant
I fell in line,
My purpose for pittance,
To serve
To please
To smile,
The spiral
it took me,
Deep to my shadow depth,
Fantasies absorbing to leave this world,
Mind racing,
Each repressed thought
Edging it's way out
Consuming
Smothering
Overwhelming
Oozing through every pore,
A gasp for air
Double beat of the heart
Cramped
Crushed
Suffocating
And crippling
Body soul and mind,
The breakdown had come,
Had come just in time,
Deep to my shadow depth,
Fantasies absorbing to leave this world,
Mind racing,
Each repressed thought
Edging it's way out
Consuming
Smothering
Overwhelming
Oozing through every pore,
A gasp for air
Double beat of the heart
Cramped
Crushed
Suffocating
And crippling
Body soul and mind,
The breakdown had come,
Had come just in time,
You see
The thing
With being broken down is
You can
Once again
Be built back up,
And for me
It was liberty,
Not built to meet perfection
But built to be
Simply me,
The thing
With being broken down is
You can
Once again
Be built back up,
And for me
It was liberty,
Not built to meet perfection
But built to be
Simply me,
With my therapist's advocacy,
It became clear to see
That my core
My joy
My passion
Was rooted in the literary,
And with her introduction
To a wonderfully soulful poet,
My mind began to flourish,
I again delved into my reality,
I had awoken,
Numbness fading
Passion and ambition had spoken,
Self belief they call it,
A necessity,
Unfamiliar to me,
Mind clearer
Heart lighter
Soul free,
I write and write,
On my break
On my lunch
My evenings spent,
Calloused fingers
Ridged forehead
Coffee stained teeth
Tobacco scented breath and a curved spine
Each a badge of honour
Which are truly mine,
I will paint my magical landscape,
My imagination
My eager escape
As I frolic with my playful words,
And even if no-one is to listen
I will go on,
For I am apart of the stars
Which glisten.
End
It became clear to see
That my core
My joy
My passion
Was rooted in the literary,
And with her introduction
To a wonderfully soulful poet,
My mind began to flourish,
I again delved into my reality,
I had awoken,
Numbness fading
Passion and ambition had spoken,
Self belief they call it,
A necessity,
Unfamiliar to me,
Mind clearer
Heart lighter
Soul free,
I write and write,
On my break
On my lunch
My evenings spent,
Calloused fingers
Ridged forehead
Coffee stained teeth
Tobacco scented breath and a curved spine
Each a badge of honour
Which are truly mine,
I will paint my magical landscape,
My imagination
My eager escape
As I frolic with my playful words,
And even if no-one is to listen
I will go on,
For I am apart of the stars
Which glisten.
End
© Sarah O’Regan
..................................................................................................................................
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